カリスマ・カーペンターさんのインスタグラム写真 - (カリスマ・カーペンターInstagram)「Today marks the last day of the dreaded “year of firsts” when a loved one dies. The first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Mother’s Day, Parent’s Day, my Birthday, her Birthday, and now the first anniversary of her death….have all cycled through. Life tends to go on. But people don’t talk about life going on and time passing with an extra passenger, grief. It’s a terrible exchange, grief for the mother I lost. I want her not this other insidious thing. I never could have imagined losing my mother would hurt this much, after all, our relationship was complicated. She was complicated. She was full of contradictions and I never could reconcile that or accept her as a result. Oddly, I think I spent my whole life never feeling truly accepted by her either. I felt more like an extention of her rather than an autonomous being she loved. In the end though, we talked a lot and our perceptions and perspectives changed which is so very rare for a person in their 80s. And I celebrate that growth today as one of my most cherished qualities about her. I just wish I had more time with that version of her. Actually, I’d take any version. What I would give to even fight with her again. The grief is palpable. Permanent . Sometimes insurmountable. The absence of her lives just under the surface at all times. Losing her, particularly so unexpectedly, will be something I will never get over. Mourning her is the new normal. I could write so much more about today, the dreaded day. And I have. But I think I’ll stop the post here. I’ll leave out the internal and societal pressure to put a happy button on this post or some hopeful spin on her death. Because it’s a lie. Today is not a celebratory day, I know she didn’t want to go when she did, I know 83 is a long life but if you knew my mom you knew she had more to do. More life to live. Because she was bigger than life. She was so very young at heart, willful, courageous, loud, charming, resilient and a survivor. And she should still be here. With me. And I miss her. And I’m really sad about it. Anyway, I hope she visits me soon. And if you see a hummingbird, think of my mom, Christine.」9月27日 0時42分