Kate Oliverのインスタグラム(birchandpine) - 10月23日 02時23分

I have been having a serious bout of insomnia in the past many weeks that is getting progressively worse, and last night was the worst yet. I managed to get about an hour of sleep total.

The last time I struggled with insomnia was years ago, during a particularly unhealthy time in my life, both physical (lack of good food/exercise) and mental (I was very depressed/anxious). I was able to work through it by changing my diet, starting an exercise regimen, and being kinder to myself during the depression. I found that if I watched a comforting show that I’d seen a million times, like The Office, I would be able to fall asleep...and eventually, stay asleep.

We are in a particularly stressful time right now - we are taking active steps toward changing the way we do business, and with that comes uncertainty both of the future and financial. We know it’s the right thing to do, because we have been so overworked and overstressed for too many years now. It doesn’t lessen the load of worry on my mind, or the constant streaming of tasks and work that still must be done in order for us to emerge on the other side and be in a better place, both financially and emotionally.

So I am able to fall asleep, but I don’t stay asleep, and I wake with panic and stay wide awake. I can’t sleep until I have gone over every possibility and option and task and this or that what if’s.

During the day, I feel okay. I get the things done that I need to get done, or do my best, anyway. I work for my business and for another business and then work the other random jobs I need to work to make ends meet. I teach our daughter and sell all of our things so we have a small savings cushion.
And I don’t talk about it here, because no one really wants to hear that someone is struggling, and so I keep it close to the point of bursting.

But I am struggling, and I’m not sleeping, and I just need...for one second...to stop being alone in it.
I know I can’t do anything but keep moving forward, and keep putting in the work, and believing with all my might that things will work out. That we’ll be okay. That we’ll land on our feet...that we’ll reach the goal we’ve been working toward for five years.

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• erica_m_williams