イングリッド・ニールセンのインスタグラム(ingridnilsen) - 3月26日 01時27分

When I chose the word “celebrate” as my word of 2020, I assumed it would mean only inviting big, colorful, bursts of joy into my life. Just 3 months into the year, everything feels uprooted and somber. As we began self-quarantine, I noticed I was using productivity and staying busy as a way to avoid the painful feelings brewing underneath. I wondered why I got annoyed when I kept reading or hearing people say “silver lining.” I wondered why I was trying to hang a tapestry at 9:30pm. I wondered why I felt inadequate every time I went on social media and saw people making more content than ever. I wondered why I couldn’t get myself to do the same. The answer is simple: I’m not feeling great right now. I’m overwhelmed with the news. I’m anxious because my mom is across the country and in a high-risk group. I’m angry that celebrities, rich and high profile people can easily get tested for COVID-19 while everyone else can not. I’m horrified at the racism and xenophobia that has been unleashed – I have seen it subtly through established news sources and blatantly with my own eyes in real life. I’m distressed over the loss of life. I’m saddened by all the small businesses having to close their doors and let go of their employees. Basically, my inner landscape is a mess and I’m tired of trying to force my external landscape into a place of positivity. I don’t want to see the silver lining because I’m just not there yet. I want to be moody. I want to sit in my closet and cry. (spoiler: I did this and highly recommend it) I want to hang out on the phone with friends who say “I don’t feel great either.” (thanks @nitikachopra & @whitneyeanderson) I want to find quiet in my mind for one second over hours of forced positivity. I want the dignity of honoring my feelings. I want to be whole, but I can’t be whole with only positivity. I must feel pain in order to heal. Feel anger so I can feel pleasure. Feel sorrow so I can feel the joy of laughter. I want to truly feel the warmth of the light again, but to do that I need to spend some time in the dark. I want the full expression of life, and right now, that means inviting some things that are uncomfortable to the celebration.❤

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