Hey, I never told you about my silent retreat! I think that I needed to process it.
Let me plant the decor. I was having the funnest summer. Parties, people, tequila, all the light & happy things. @em_note and I had booked the retreat months earlier & I was looking at it coming at me like a car crash. I actually told myself that I might cancel. Yep, that seemed like a great idea. .
But something pushed me to jump in my car and go. My curiosity more than my spirituality. .
I had planned on driving there. I love to drive, it soothes me. I listened to Pema Chodron & tried to get back into some semblance of mindfulness. I picked up Em in SF and we were off. .
We shared a room. This is not a 5 star stay. Nobody cleans your room. No AC. You have tasks everyday (I was cleaning the kitchen. I liked it!). We entered silence. You surrender your phone. You don’t : talk. Read. Write. Look at people in the eyes. You meditate for hours. HOURS. .
I knew Em was going to be committed to the practice. She’s good like that. There would be no secret talking.
Me? I was a total fraud. .
The 1st day I was like wtf am doing here. I missed all the walking meditations because i couldn’t cope with a 100 people walking zombie like, deeply entrenched in their silence. I would go hide in our room, sweating on the bed and entertaining myself with MY THOUGHTS 😂 Yep. 1st lesson. Thoughts = entertainment. And wow, are they repetitive. I realized I had 4 thoughts... Basically the whole 6 days : dreaming about a guy or 2, planing career moves, thinking of my schedule & if could I sneak a tea in my room. The 4th thought was : should I just leave. .
Meals where the funniest. Everyone was so focused, head down, sometimes eyes closed, eating veeeery slowly as you’re supposed to. Me? I was looking at them. (Isn’t it what I always do anyway? Observe?) I had found a GREAT game : match feet with person. At the end of the week I could tell you who was who just by looking at their feet. .
Can you tell by now how much resistance I was dealing with?
But. The most difficult thing to me? Dropping “me”. Mmmm. I’ll have to come back for another installment to tell you about it. Tomorrow?
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