Robin May Flemingのインスタグラム(robinmay) - 7月1日 16時25分
For no real reason at all, this gorgeous photo of us by @pketron is on my mind tonight: Day 1 of a marriage that's so far lasted just over six years.
We went on a blind "friend date" the other day. We met up with a woman I'd connected with on our neighbourhood website, to chat about her experience building a home on the Olympic Peninsula (something we've been wanting to do for a while now). And a thing she said during our two hours of non-stop easy chatter has stuck stubbornly in my brain. It happened at least twice, maybe more: "When you have kids....." she said.
"When you have kids...."
I turned 40 this year. Hate to break it to her (and possibly to you), but it's likely at this point I won't be having kids. More importantly, though, I never suggested to her otherwise, nor did she ask.
She, like so many, just assumed.
This isn't a jab at her. This isn't a jab at you. It's more a wondering, a looking back, a considering that perhaps these past years I've been in a holding pattern, unconsciously acting out those words that aren't my own, and punctuating my plans with ellipses.
"When you have kids....."
Relating to women at this age, whether they're mothers or aching-to-be mothers, it's hard. I find myself, for the first time in my life, in a demographic that feels some days like mine and mine alone. Not-a-mother-and-not-really-wanting-to-be-a-mother-but-also-some-days-REALLY-wanting-to-be-a-mother-but-but-but-but.
Those who share circumstances with me are few and so very far between out here in rural America. I suspect it would be different if I were still in Toronto, or the Bay Area. Or if I were still neck-deep in an all-consuming career. But I'm not.
So the closest I find are the empty-nesters and the not-yet-grandparents. But still they say it:
"When you have kids...."
"When you have kids........"
"When you have kids............."
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kimh212
I was a very young mother. I had 3 children by the time I was 18 and 5 by the time I was 23. I had one at 16 one at 17 one at 18 one at 22 and one at 23. I then had a miscarriage. And yes all by the same man which I am still with to this day, 34, almost 35 years later. I have also started over after my children were grown and I was a grandmother of 6 and now 9. My niece had her firat baby 10 years ago. He was abused and i took custody of him when he was 9 months old. She had another child 13 months ago. He was born addicted. I've had him since he came home from the hospital. So i am a 51 year old mother now. Its hard but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love them as much as my own. But I often wonder how different my life would have been if I had gone down a different path. I wanted so badly to go to college and be a writer. I suppose I will never know. I often tell people we collect children. Our house has always been full. My kids friends, family and anyone in need have always been welcome. This life fulfills me. Its just what I do. You do what is best for you. Follow your heart. If you feel happy and fulfilled you've chosen the right life for you.
celleo_
This post reminded me the power of our words and how careful we should be with them. To me, personally, a more accurate phrase would be “If and when you have kids” - and yes it’s a little longer but that extra half-a-second gives the subconscious of the listener the opportunity to process the signal that it is your choice and you don’t need to clarify/justify/explain to anyone about it. But too often the speaker is too busy talking and the listeners don’t really have a chance to process the words properly - so these words end up making dents in us mentally and it will take a more deliberate effort later on to unhear them. But this doesn’t change the fact that it’s your life and you have a choice. :) And whatever you choose to do, those who truly care will support you. ❤️
oliviastclaire
Magical photo!
I just saw a post yesterday about someone celebrating mothers & gushing over how women are put here to be that. I wanted to scream - how about just celebrating women? We are women first & foremost. I have often felt excluded from the group because I wasn’t able to have children. I desperately wanted to be a mother and went through infertility treatments. I did get pregnant but I miscarried at five months. I named her Eva. One of the first things I am asked is how many children I have or if I have children. My hope and wish is that the first thing young women are asked today is - what makes your heart happy? What are your passions in life? ...Instead of being asked do you have a man or when will you have children. Thank you for this post.
lesleybrown
I am 45 years old. People say this to me all the time. I don’t want children. I’ve never wanted children. I knew this from a very young age. I find it rude when people get pushy with me for not having kids. As if I couldn’t possibly be fulfilled in life without being a mother. My answer of “I don’t want children” really seems to baffle people. They can’t grasp that it’s that simple. It’s really nobody’s business why someone doesn’t have children, and it’s wrong to just assume that someone wants kids. It could be simply the fact that they don’t want any. Or it could be because they weren’t able to. Asking someone that could be painful for them. It’s ok to tell someone that it’s none of their business. I do it all the time.
xtinechristine
I used to have those same conflicted feelings. I was pregnant once, but lost it due to health problems. And being pregnant was so hellish for me that I was grateful for having had the experience and knowing it wouldn’t have gone well. I’m a few years older than you and when the biological possibility of having a kid was completely removed from me because of my age—it was such a relief!! It was so freeing not to have to be on that fence anymore! Because the choice was made for me. I love kids but I know without doubt now, that I wasn’t meant for that. And I have freedom that a lot of my friends don’t. I hope your experience turns out something like mine, with clarity and total happiness at whatever happens. 😊❤️
tinafchan
six years? i can’t believe time has gone by so fast. i had found your account maybe... 7 years ago? and i remember we had had an exchange back then when your heart was bursting with newfound love. i still envy that feeling, but i wouldn’t trade this feeling for that one ever. once you find the one, the love that grows with time and care is so much more wonderful than the fireworks. happiest of anniversaries to the two of you! ❤️
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