カリスマ・カーペンターのインスタグラム(charismacarpenter) - 7月17日 04時58分

It's still so hard to think about it without tears welling up in my eyes and streaming down my face. Why? Why at 3? Why this way? Why isn't there more being done? Whyyyyyyy?! He was so unbelievably miserable. I remember his shrill squeaky voice whining for Maya to rub his legs and arms. Later she told me she had been massaging him for two days straight. He wouldn't let anyone else touch him.
The whole scene was just FUCKED.
I remember being angry.
I wanted him to stop suffering. I wanted his whining to stop.
I wanted more drugs for him.
Did I need to re-enact Shirley MacLaine's scene in Terms of Endearment to give this little boy some relief?
I wanted to! It took everything to restrain myself.
But I had to be quiet and accept I was not in control. It was not my decision to make.
I had to accept that I did not carry the burden to decide when to sedate my child or not. What a horrible choice that was.
To sedate or not sedate.

But she didn't know when his next lucid moment would be. If she sedated him, it could be his last breath, she knew this. She knew she may not have the chance to say what he needed to hear before he left his body for good.
She wasn't ready to let go.
She shouldn't have had to let go.
None of it was fair. None of it will ever be fair.

Ronan died almost exactly 12 hours after I left them at Hospice. Maya called to tell me the news after she said goodbye to her baby and gave Ronan his last bath. Post mortem.
Can you imagine?
Ronan died Monday May 9th 2011 just 3 days shy of celebrating his 4th birthday.
In his honor I'd like to set a personal Birthday goal of raising $4700 for @ronanfoundation which focuses on research, family aid and better medicines. I can't think of anything I could want more than hope for a cure from this awful disease.
Fact: Pediatric cancer is the least funded cancer by our government. Think about that.
Thank you for reading, donating and reposting! Anything you can do helps!

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