スカイラー・カーギルのインスタグラム(skylarkergil) - 11月24日 00時31分

sometimes just sitting in bakeries and cafes inspires me. i found myself feeling relaxed the other day (not about the work i have left to do for the trans and minority communities that i love and that stress will never end l.) it's hard for me to feel relaxed about my own projects. sometimes i feel i take on too much and that is never a fulfilling realization as i squeeze every ounce of my being to splash creativity on a variety of projects both for myself and others.

i felt relaxed after realizing i have written most of my memoir. and in the end, it is my story. i was beating myself up over remembering correctly (thankfully i have journals and friends and family to fact check!) as well as stressing about what to include, what not to include. picking apart little pieces of my life. reliving past traumas. re celebrating past achievements. and all throughout it, witnessing this thread of depression/mood instability that i have had since before i even knew i was trans. and transitioning has not cured it, nor should it have. seeing how many times i felt like i was dying, which in my journals was every other day from 2005-2012 - it turns out there's a word for that - anxiety. and i have made steps with my therapist so that i am seeing a psychiatrist for the first time on monday. sifting through the dirt of my past helped me realize my needs.
this morning i asked myself "are things good?" and the answer was no, no they are not in the grand scheme of things. so why do i feel relaxed? because i've worked so hard and grown so much in just a few months. i'm still evolving. and i've relearned that that is okay. doing it myself has given me hope that others are learning themselves and it is through creating our healthiest best selves that we can help and support others.

i haven't been online much and i've been emotionally feeling better with that choice. now as i eat delicious greens and sip delicious coffee, i am thankful for finding a gift card in my pocket this morning so i could afford to treat myself and celebrate the first moment i've felt relaxed in a long, long, long time. #thankful #trans #mentalhealth #transandhappy #trying #hoping #living #fioresbakery

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